Brooks' Half Birthday

-March 13, 2016

Today, Brooks would be 6^th months old and it is incredibly hard not to let the mind drift and dream about what our Brooksie would be like today......

I envision him sitting up like a big boy all by himself, keeping busy with the assortment of toys that used to litter our living room. I envision him scooting across the floor in an almost crawl, satisfying his curiosity, by his newly developed ability to explore. I envision his toothless smile that would still be equal parts drool and gums, that to this day would make me question how we were worthy enough for such a perfect little man. I envision his big blue eyes searching the room, discovering sites and sounds that just one and a half months ago were out of his line of site. I envision a little boy, with his big head inherited from yours truly, perfect in every sense of the word, warming Jamie and I’s hearts today as he did for the short 137 days he accompanied us here on earth.

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Today is exactly one and a half months since his passing, which means we’ve been without Brooks for one-third of the time we actually had him… It has been exactly one and a half months since we physically have been able to experience our precious son in the flesh. It has been exactly one and a half months, since I looked my baby boy in his dark blue eyes for the last time as I kissed him and placed his car seat in the truck before Jamie took him to daycare. It has been exactly one and a half months since Jamie and I’s ordinary Thursday, ended in a not so ordinary fashion. It has been exactly one and a half months, since our world and our lives were completely rearranged. It has been exactly one and a half months since we lost our precious, perfectly healthy baby-boy to the most confusing and mysterious cause, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

Brooks was extremely low risk for SIDS. Jamie and I were aware of SIDS, did our homework on SIDS, and took every precaution parents can take to limit their baby’s chances of dying from SIDS. Brooks should not have died from SIDS, but as we have learned from friends in the medical field there really is no way to prevent SIDS or stop SIDS. It’s a phenomenon that affects between 1500 and 2000 or .05% of families with babies under the age of one in the US yearly. It’s very hard to understand why we were chosen to be a part of the .05%, why our Brooks had to be taken, and why our lives had to be forever altered. I now think back and wonder how many times I’ve uttered the word “why” and in turn questioned the paths and answers that God provided me. In fact, until the last few days “Why?” was probably the most used word in our vocabulary rivaled only by a few choice cuss words. Jamie and I are currently in the process of eliminating “Why?” from our lexicon as it refers to the absence of Brooks and instead replacing it with “What’s next for us God?” Not in a sense of pushing passed the death of our dear Brooks, but in a manner in which we can make ourselves available for what is in store for us next. What paths will God provide us, what obstacles will He lay down in front of us, and what opportunities will he give us to live through Him.

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Jamie and I struggled to have Brooks. We had to be extremely patient in waiting for our Brooks. His pregnancy did not come easy and was one in which Jamie and I’s relationship was tested with regularity, because we couldn’t understand why we couldn’t have a baby. It wasn’t until we let go of this idea that creation was a result of just a man and a woman that God, the ultimate creator, blessed us with our Brooks. Once we relinquished the driver’s seat to God, his response was nearly immediate and Jamie and I were set to begin the great journey of parenthood together. I tell this story not in a “poor us” sense that we had to endure great struggles getting pregnant, and then lost our precious son in the end. I tell this story because without it, I do not think that Jamie and I’s faith would have been as present following Brooks’ death as it was. God put us in a situation in which we learned that we must relinquish our wants and our plans for this life, so that he may proceed with His. We truly believe that God granted us struggle in the conception of Brooks, to provide us with understanding that when He came and took Brooks a short four and a half months later that this too was apart of His plan for Brooks’ life and in turn ours.

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Pastor Mike Fackler, who officiated over Brooks’ service, really spoke to our hearts that day when he talked about God's plan for each and every one of us. “That like, the hairs on ones head are numbered, so are the days that we have on this earth…” We really believe this to be true… We believe that God chose us to be Brooks’ parents knowing he had a short amount of time on this earth. We believe that he searched and searched to find us, knowing we could provide Brooks with the most love filled four and a half months possible.  We also believe that God chose us knowing that incredible people would surround us during the difficult days that would follow……. We were blessed with parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins that stopped their lives, some leaving their jobs for a week and a half to be by our side and totally take control of all things we were too emotionally distressed to worry about. We were blessed with friends who took time off of work, closed down their businesses, left their own adversities in life, and traveled from not only all areas of Wyoming and the mountain states around us, but thousands of miles away like Ohio, Texas, Kansas, and Nevada to be by our sides. We were blessed to have our schools, colleagues, students, and student-athletes rally behind us during our darkest days. We have been blessed to learn of others who have lost children, heard their story, and received support and advice on a situation that only they understand the true pain that we feel. In our worst days, WE TRULY HAVE BEEN BLESSED!

Through God’s plan we have been dealt a terrible burden, but through the grace of God we are learning to live with loss and begin our new normal. We have comfort in knowing that Brooks Joshua is with Jesus… Our own fears of death and not living out our dreams and plans have been replaced with a drive to live a life through Christ that guarantees us an eternity with Brooks. We long for the day that we will see our son again, but know that there is much more work for us to do here. Thus we will again wait, knowing that next to the ultimate destination of Heaven and Jesus, is our dear baby boy Brooks Joshua…

-JA

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."  

-Proverbs 16:9