-March 13, 2016
Today, Brooks would be 6th months old and it is
incredibly hard not to let the mind drift and dream about what our
Brooksie would be like today......
I envision him sitting up like a big boy all by himself,
keeping busy with the assortment of toys that used to litter our living room. I
envision him scooting across the floor in an almost crawl, satisfying his
curiosity, by his newly developed ability to explore. I envision his toothless smile
that would still be equal parts drool and gums, that to this day would make me
question how we were worthy enough for such a perfect little man. I envision
his big blue eyes searching the room, discovering sites and sounds that just
one and a half months ago were out of his line of site. I envision a little
boy, with his big head inherited from yours truly, perfect in every sense of the
word, warming Jamie and I’s hearts today as he did for the short 137 days he
accompanied us here on earth.
.....
Today is exactly one and a half months since his passing,
which means we’ve been without Brooks for one-third of the time we actually had
him… It has been exactly one and a half months since we physically have been
able to experience our precious son in the flesh. It has been exactly one and a
half months, since I looked my baby boy in his dark blue eyes for the last time
as I kissed him and placed his car seat in the truck before Jamie took him to
daycare. It has been exactly one and a half months since Jamie and I’s ordinary
Thursday, ended in a not so ordinary fashion. It has been exactly one and a half
months, since our world and our lives were completely rearranged. It has been
exactly one and a half months since we lost our precious, perfectly healthy
baby-boy to the most confusing and mysterious cause, Sudden Infant Death
Syndrome (SIDS).
Brooks was extremely low risk for SIDS. Jamie and I were
aware of SIDS, did our homework on SIDS, and took every precaution parents can
take to limit their baby’s chances of dying from SIDS. Brooks should not have
died from SIDS, but as we have learned from friends in the medical field there
really is no way to prevent SIDS or stop SIDS. It’s a phenomenon that affects between
1500 and 2000 or .05% of families with babies under the age of one in the US
yearly. It’s very hard to understand why we were chosen to be a part of the .05%, why our
Brooks had to be taken, and why our lives had to be forever altered. I now
think back and wonder how many times I’ve uttered the word “why” and in turn
questioned the paths and answers that God provided me. In fact, until the last
few days “Why?” was probably the most used word in our vocabulary rivaled only
by a few choice cuss words. Jamie and I are currently in the process of
eliminating “Why?” from our lexicon as it refers to the absence of Brooks and
instead replacing it with “What’s next for us God?” Not in a sense of pushing passed the death of our dear Brooks, but in a manner in which we can make ourselves available for what is in store for us next. What paths will God provide us, what obstacles will He lay down in front of us, and what opportunities will he give us to live through Him.
.....
.....
Jamie and I struggled to have Brooks. We had to be extremely
patient in waiting for our Brooks. His pregnancy did not come easy and was one
in which Jamie and I’s relationship was tested with regularity, because we
couldn’t understand why we couldn’t have a baby. It wasn’t until we let go of
this idea that creation was a result of just a man and a woman that God, the
ultimate creator, blessed us with our Brooks. Once we relinquished the driver’s
seat to God, his response was nearly immediate and Jamie and I were set to
begin the great journey of parenthood together. I tell this story not in a
“poor us” sense that we had to endure great struggles getting pregnant, and then
lost our precious son in the end. I tell this story because without it, I do
not think that Jamie and I’s faith would have been as present following Brooks’
death as it was. God put us in a situation in which we learned that we must
relinquish our wants and our plans for this life, so that he may proceed with His. We truly believe that God granted us struggle in the conception of Brooks,
to provide us with understanding that when He came and took Brooks a short four
and a half months later that this too was apart of His plan for Brooks’ life
and in turn ours.
.....
Pastor Mike Fackler, who officiated over Brooks’ service,
really spoke to our hearts that day when he talked about God's plan for each and
every one of us. “That like, the hairs on ones head are numbered, so are the
days that we have on this earth…” We really believe this to be true… We believe that
God chose us to be Brooks’ parents knowing he had a short amount of time on
this earth. We believe that he searched and searched to find us, knowing we
could provide Brooks with the most love filled four and a half months
possible. We also believe that God chose
us knowing that incredible people would surround us during the difficult days
that would follow……. We were blessed with parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and
cousins that stopped their lives, some leaving their jobs for a week and a half
to be by our side and totally take control of all things we were too
emotionally distressed to worry about. We were blessed with friends who took
time off of work, closed down their businesses, left their own adversities in
life, and traveled from not only all areas of Wyoming and the mountain states
around us, but thousands of miles away like Ohio, Texas, Kansas, and Nevada to
be by our sides. We were blessed to have our schools, colleagues, students, and
student-athletes rally behind us during our darkest days. We have been blessed
to learn of others who have lost children, heard their story, and received
support and advice on a situation that only they understand the true pain that
we feel. In our worst days, WE TRULY HAVE BEEN BLESSED!
Through God’s plan we have been dealt a terrible burden, but
through the grace of God we are learning to live with loss and begin our new
normal. We have comfort in knowing that Brooks Joshua is with Jesus… Our own fears of
death and not living out our dreams and plans have been replaced with a drive
to live a life through Christ that guarantees us an eternity with Brooks. We
long for the day that we will see our son again, but know that there is much more
work for us to do here. Thus we will again wait, knowing that next to the
ultimate destination of Heaven and Jesus, is our dear baby boy Brooks Joshua…
-JA
-JA
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."
-Proverbs 16:9
